One of my favorite stories is of the old Cherokee who tells his grandson of the battle that goes on inside people. He said there were two wolves inside all of us - one wolf is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other wolf is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The grandson thought for a while then asked which wolf wins? The old Cherokee simply replied. THE ONE YOU FEED.
From mid 1979 to the spring of 1981, I fed my evil wolf a gourmet diet.
The demons that possessed me at that time prevented me from seeing the beauty of the old house in Madera which its magnificent views of the vineyard and river below.
It prevented me from sharing the dream that Dick was living as he developed his vineyards, realizing the farmer within.
It prevented me from fully realizing how good my life was becoming with family close - Louise had moved to California by this time, Bill and Frances and tons of great nieces and nephews were all part of our close life. Gordon and Irene had moved to California after Gordon's retirement and moved into the Madera home and we bought another small vinyard in Selma. And Katrina and the six kids were in Fresno, giving me a chance to finally get to know our grandkids. What more could I want? Whatever it was it alluded me.
The Selma ranch was another that I never appreciated. The house was nice and Dick made it even nicer with remodeling inside and a great patio complete with Jacuzzi outside. I had my horse moved from Florida, the orchard produced great fruit, the grounds were lovely - and yet my heart and mind would not rest.
What a waste - BUT it was something I had to go through to reach the point in spring 1981 to seek recovery. Had I not gone through that pain, that time, I would never have known what it was like to spend the next thirty years feeding the Good wolf......
